An Answer to My Mother

In response to your question, “On what basis could you apply for political asylum?”:

I’ve been attempting to hammer out this response for over a week now, but more evidence for making my case keeps landing, and I just now finally have a few hours …

As I started to type all of this out, RFK, Jr. had just been confirmed as United States Secretary of Health and Human Services. As you and I have discussed before, Mr. Kennedy sought (and failed) to secure the nomination for President of the United States of the party I founded. He then went on, in his August withdrawal speech, to make the ludicrous claim that now-President Trump independently suggested they form a “Unity Party.” All I’ll point out here, mother, is that Mr. Kennedy is now hanging with, in addition to lovely chaps like Russell Brand, someone who was okay with “hanging Mike Pence.”

Just 11 days ago, FEC Chair Ellen Weintraub was illegally and unconstitutionally “fired” with no apparent plans for a replacement; the outlaws have ridden back into town and just shot the sheriff out of her saddle. I would argue that this is the most incredible to-date development since Trump has taken office again, though I admit Trump’s deliberate “flood the zone” strategy has buried this first open break with the law in a big muddle. As is with dominoes, the fall of one leads to the fall of others, and on down the line; unchecked power begets absolute power and absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Mother, I know you and I don’t always see eye-to-eye and, after a week’s deliberation, I’m not going to try to make my case to you; I’ll merely explain the case I might have to make to the Federal Republic in the event my traditional visa application isn’t approved in time:

Article 14 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights grants the right of asylum.

In 1951 and 1967, the UDHR was codified into two separate treaties, both of which the Federal Republic of Germany is a party to. The 1951 Convention Relating to the Status of Refugees states in part that asylum must be granted to a person who “is unable or unwilling to return to their country of origin owing to a well-founded fear of being persecuted for reasons of … political opinion." Setting aside the bittersweet irony that, in the strictest sense, my “country of origin” is Germany, I can certainly qualify for asylum.

Mother, you might make the argument that others will make, that my “fear of being persecuted” is not well-founded and mere paranoia; well, as we all know, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not after you. If my application for a freelancer visa falls through, and it therefore comes to applying for asylum, I just might skip the German lawyers and hire a few German historians (or maybe offer to buy them a brat mit oder ohne Senf after a successful hearing, even if I’m more or less vegetarian these days). Mark Twain once said that history doesn’t repeat itself, but sometimes it rhymes, and, if that is the case, today democracy might as well be a German-American Humpty Dumpty (actually, Twain didn’t quite say that; some aspiring author named Hammons just subbed in the rhyming “sometimes,” with Herr Hemingway’s permission to improve the stolen).

I could go on, but I think you get the gist of my thinking. I also need to get out yet another press release on behalf of the said Unity Party (MailChimp tells me my missives are quite popular these days). Be aware I’m posting the text of this response on a website; the Unity Party has been enjoying a remarkable wave of new interest of late, and it’s my duty to take this opportunity to explain why the party’s founder and chair is now in Germany.

I hope you and everyone else in Austin consider coming for a visit here in Bad Kreuznach soon (you and my sister and I could literally take a trip down memory lane). At least until tourist season starts up again (and/or until that wave of my fellow refugees hits; see my prediction below), I have the entire top floor of this house to myself, and there’s room for you and the other four (there are also overflow Airbnb rooms elsewhere on the property; I’ve spoken to the hostess and it’s certainly “the more the merrier”).

I’m going to stay positive, and know that I’m going to be successful in surmounting all of the hurdles I’ve encountered making a fresh reset with a new business in the land and city of my birth (I’m currently in the process of applying for the required health insurance); if everyone makes it here y’all could help me take Bad Kreuznach Tours for a test drive through the heart of Europe. Perhaps that should be sooner rather than later, in light of the fact that I still believe a wave of Americans will show up in these parts once they realize just how much our country has changed; it might be very much like the after-midnight crowd that showed up in Alliance, Nebraska to see the morning solar eclipse that I camped out for a week to see the summer of 2017; if the American Midnight turns out to be as dark as I think it will be, I might need to hire serious help this summer.

There, I suppose I lied about going on. I hope and know we’ll see each other again soon.