Whatever It Takes

Sehr geehrter Herr Merz,

Wishing you a pleasant Alamo Day from a German-born who grew up in Texas (more about that below), and good to hear in the news about the spending proposals. I’ll have a suggestion related to the defense of Germany (and, by extension, a last bastion of democracy) that I’ll be sharing in a press release later today, but this morning I’m writing to request your assistance with a somewhat personal matter that’s not entirely unrelated.

(And, yes, partly due to the time-is-of-the-essence nature of the matter below and partly the fact that it wouldn’t hurt to remind all readers that I’m an American [if German-born by accident of 20th century military history], the vast majority of this will be in English.)

On Saturday the 8th the latest extension of my visa for purposes of applying for a longer-term „Aufenthaltserlaubnis zur Ausübung einer freiberuflichen Tätigkeit“ will expire, which means, in practical terms, I have through tomorrow morning to either get yet another extension (my third, which is far from certain, the delays in one office or another notwithstanding), cross the first-of-perhaps-more-than-one Rubicons by being the first American to ever apply to a German government for political asylum, or force a second accident of history and, with your much-appreciated assistance, cut through the infamous Teutonic bureaucratic red tape you’ve railed against and start doing business as a tour guide on Saturday (I already have customers lined up).

The nature of my business is unimportant (though by all means let me know if you and your future coalition partners would like to take me up on my previous suggestion of, at some point during those coalition talks, decamping here to the hidden gem of Bad Kreuznach to iron out the details away from the business-as-usual atmosphere of Berlin).

What is quite important today (in my view) is what I’m seeing and witnessing as the humble son of a US Army officer (I was born here in Bad Kreuznach) trying to escape the persecution (and worse) I know that’s coming for all who have dared to stand in the way of a certain Donald J. Trump. In lieu of applying for outright political asylum, I’m trying to land on both feet back here in BK with my dignity fully intact, but the process has unnecessarily gone from soul-trying to impossible, and therefore dangerous (among many other twists and turns, applying for asylum would theoretically expose me to the danger of being deported to Hungary, home of one of Herr Trump’s biggest fanboys).

I’m not asking anyone to pull any strings, I’m not asking for special treatment with the Ausländerbehörde, and, as you’ll see below, I’m not even asking your office to set things right with a federal agency (the latest critical choke point in this too-long application process involves the Chamber of Commerce in Koblenz, and I’m only humbly asking that, as the Chancellor-presumptive of the Bundesrepulik who took a break from politics to demonstrate his business savvy, you see a PR bonanza for the Bundesrepublik for what it is and have your people get those people to do what’s right for their fellow Germans).

Again, please read on: the biggest still-missing piece of my own private residency puzzle is the IHK approval of the business plan for “Bad Kreuznach Tours.” Currently I’m on version 20 of the plan (that’s not a typo), and yet a very-kind-yet-far-too-conventional gentleman informed me the day before yesterday that I still needed to add (among other things): the expense for my phone (it was bought and paid for four years ago), the expense for my laptop (it was bought off a shelf in Carlysle, England three years ago) and the office space expenses (as I tried to explain to him, when I’ll be on my laptop and not out-and-about explaining the exquisite history of Bad Kreuznach and the rest of Europe, I’ll most likely be working from the desk in my bedroom; I’d be delighted to be able to expense part of my rent at tax time, but that’s not really a critical priority right now).

Frankly, Herr Bundeskanzler, it was all a little absurd. I’m not trying to build a car factory like Herr Musk; I’m just a simple erstwhile English teacher (with perhaps a few relatively untapped talents) who just spent over three years bootstrapping his way across a swath of the Earth centered on the spot of my humble life beginnings, from the Sahara to the Arctic Circle and the Loch Ness to Wadi Rum. I know how to run a business. I know how to run a business American-style. I’m not asking for a hand-out. I’m not even asking for a hand up. I’m simply asking that others get their hands off my plans, let me do my job (which, as I understand from the German perspective, is to get Americans and their dollars back to Bad Kreuznach), and save myself and perhaps a few of my fellow Americans with a bit of grace. I should point out that an unnamed-by-name gentleman whose job it is to help develop Bad Kreuznach’s economy thinks BKT is a perfectly doable idea, and during our conversation in German, confirmed that my business doesn’t need any resources to get off the ground, as a reinforcing compliment of sorts.

Herr Bundeskanzler, to the point that whatever staff member of yours reading this should be getting in spades by now: Help. Germany. I was hoping to spend Alamo Day elaborating upon my idea for the Austin Brigade (as in Stephen F. Austin), but we’ll have to save discussion of that project (if there ever is one) for another day. (One suggestive detail that I’ll just share here: it would be a nice bit of reappropriation to base the AB here or near here in Bad Kreuznach, the former home of Ludendorff, Hindenburg, the US 8th Infantry Division and other illustrious martial examples; a bit of the tongue in the cheek here, but you get the point). Also, just in case that same staffer hasn’t yet finished their morning coffee (I’ve been up since 3 a.m., and am behind schedule getting to my second), a perfectly-fine smack-down defense of your assistance for this unknown American, in light of the new intense discussion surrounding military service by young Germans, would be «Was haben Sie getan, um Deutschland zu schützen?» Just be sure that, when you throw that back into the audience from that stage, you, as a true European gentleman, have a properly-upholstered chair nearby for the dropping of the mike.

Your and your staff have my email address. Thank you for reading in a timely manner.

mit freundlichen Grüßen,

Bill Hammons